[bliss]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said my
penis was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg!"

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well,
she's not exactly my girlfriend... yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my rear. Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, "You're always
pushing me around and talking behind my back!"
He says, "What did you expect? You're in a wheel chair!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she'd like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening!"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the thrift shop and got back all her clothes.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but they've banned me from it after I asked to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

A buddy of mine was just telling me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. My post said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I knew, four thousand terrorists friended me!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!"

The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we
could help with the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to,
but our garden hose only reaches as far as the driveway.