[bliss]

I met a young lady in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought, man, "These taser guns are well worth the money"
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My daughter's just walked into the living room and said 'cancel my allowance, trash my bedroom, throw all my clothes out the window, take my front door and car keys away and kick me out of the house'. Well she didn't actually put it like that - she said 'Dad, say hello to Mohammed'
_____

Was just about to leave the house for the pub when the missus yells out she'd found a pair of crotchless knickers and had put them on.

I didn't have the heart to tell her she had one of my T shirts on.