[bliss]

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Lady: How much per six pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which
puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been
put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your f**king Ferrari?
_____

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
_____

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as
she likes to call it.
_____

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,
I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
_____

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
_____

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.
_____