[bliss]

Ever wonder why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell?
There's apparently more traffic going to hell.
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Welcome to Alzheimer's Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
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"You know, if you take everything I've done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent."
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My vacuum cleaner broke. I put a Dallas Cowboys sticker on it, and now it sucks again.
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Summer is officially coming to an end and you know what that means... all you half naked ladies are going to have to find a personality.
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Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.
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You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
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Maybe if we all emailed the constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.
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Sometimes I text and drive. I know it's dangerous, but I do stupid things when I'm drunk.
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No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom.

I'm no longer allowed to use the employee fridge.
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For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
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