[bliss]

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."
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You know you're a redneck if....................

You mow your lawn and find a car.
Your dog passes wind and you claim it.
You think Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
The Salvation Army rejects your mattress.
You put your underwear on: yellow in front, brown in back.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your house has wheels and your car doesn't.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of matches.
You think the mountain men in Deliverance were just misunderstood.
There has ever been crime scene tape on your front door.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer grey.
You think paprika is a third world country.
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A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!
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