"In sign language... the story of my life can be told through a series of face-palms."
"Due to heavy fog, my brain has been grounded until further notice."
"I'm single by choice, not my choice..."
"Boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume."
"I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy or the best looking guy, but...oh hell, now I'm depressed."
"My doctor ordered me to eat more Taco Bell. Well, actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant."