I am going bananas. That’s what I say to my bananas before I leave the house.
If anybody can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you're a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually.
"Engagement" can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?
One of Jesus' most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you're so lazy you think "Meh, whatever. I had a good run."
It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.
I'd be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.”
You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary. Alternately, let your monocle fall from an eye socket into your drink.
Tell a girl shes pretty 100 times, she won’t believe you. Tell a girl she’s fat once and she'll remember it forever cause elephants never forget.