[bliss]

I've stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house.

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don't want to save a lot of money.

Call me when you have $50,000 and you'll get your little girl back.
Call in the next five minutes and I'll throw in a second kid as a gift.

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I'm in a good mood in the morning...
I'm like, "Duh...did you not see me just leave my kids with you?"

Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn't understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after just showing up.
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A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."
The girl then asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl is frustrated. She tells her friend about her and her mother's conversation. The friend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."
The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old."
Her mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"
The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted.
She asks, "Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!"
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