[bliss]

The formula for a happy marriage is the same as the one for living in California. - When you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

A smart husband is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.

The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.

I'm currently helping my wife look for her chocolates that I ate last Friday.

My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man... WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...
I've been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.

Water is so good when it's mixed with barley, hops, and yeast.

Not rewinding VHS movies after watching the nude scenes was the original not clearing your browser history.

It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye; unless you're Stevie Wonder, then it's just ironic.

“Do you have anything with 3-5 pounds of rhinestones on the butt?”
—Upper-middle class ladies shopping for jeans

Some guy named Rand McNally printed out a bunch of Google maps and sells them at gas stations. Weird.

Trying to make a list of things that are worse than Mondays and all I've got so far is Hitler and Christian Rock.

I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

I eat things based on the amount of dishes I have to use.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change cuz I don't want to get up and find the remote.

"Ohhhh!! I didn't hear the 'lasting more than four hours' part. I'm sorry I called you at home, doctor."

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

You don't realize just how eco-friendly clowns are until you think about how much they carpool.

Steven Wright Quotes.....

1- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
12 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.