[bliss]

I stuck a "Baby On Board" sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic's bad or I miss my nap.
_____

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
_____

Don't usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: "lift with a straight back!" It felt good.
_____

I've been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I'm about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
_____

A man is walking down his street and sees a friend sitting in his front yard all alone, looking bummed.
“What’s the matter with you?” he asks.
The friend says, “I screwed up on one of those questions wives ask, and now I am so deep in the doghouse, I’ll never get out.”
“What question?” the first guy asks.
She asked me, “When I’m old, fat, and ugly, will you still love me?”
“Heck, that’s easy," the first guy replied. "You just tell her, 'Of course you will.'”
“Yeah,” says the friend, “that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was ‘Of course I do.’”
_____

Police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes — all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: “We’re all shocked; we never knew we had a library.”