[bliss]

Ladies, if he tells you he's 6 feet & 3 inches…make sure those aren't two separate measurements.
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A clown sighting at the office this morning… but it turns out Karen put her makeup on in the car again.
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Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting… but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense?
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Q: How do you milk sheep?

A: Release a new iPhone.
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Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there."

When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"
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On my deathbed, I want to leave this world surrounded by a beautiful, loving family. So I've told my real one to stay away.
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Life lesson: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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I asked my daughter's new boyfriend where he got his education.

"Yale", he said.

I was pretty impressed and told him so.

His reply was, "Thanks, I yust got out in Yanuary."