[bliss]

The Sacred Code of Conduct for Men

Moses had his commandments. Hippocrates had his oath. But the sacred code of conduct binding all men have always been unwritten...until now.


😝 Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

😌 (The Sergeant Schultz Rule): When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.


😇 Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.


😎 Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move furniture: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. Acceptable excuse for not helping the friend of a friend move furniture: You'd rather stay home and watch Speed Racer reruns.


😎 (The Tuxedo Cloaking Rule): A 'best-man toast' must not include the following phrase: "When we were down in Tijuana...."


😒 Under no circumstances may two men ever share an umbrella.


😘 If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.


😇 The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of 'hotness' she scores on the classic 1-10 rating scale.

😓 Whining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature's unsuitable.


😤 (The Patton Principle): Falling on a grenade for a buddy (i.e., agreeing to distract the shan-ked friend of the hot babe he's trying to score), is your legal duty. But, should you get actually 'get lucky' with her later, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.


😉 On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


😎 (The Hand-off Catechism): Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return, is required to grant it.


😈 Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies, until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.


😜 If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.


😁 No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)


😎 The universal compensation for buddies who help you move, is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flights of stairs) ÷ dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = number of beers owed. Plus several Bonus Beers for the friend who owns the truck.


😈 You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into the ceiling fan.

😎 Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.


😏 When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.


😈 (The Mercy Rule): When your girlfriend/ wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with one of your pals, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy, and give him adequate time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

😎 It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.


😈 Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.


😁 Unless you're in prison, never ever fight naked.


😒 (The Body Heat Rule): A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


😜 The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, 'What this guy needs is a good ass-whupping,' you may stand back and enjoy.


😎 Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


😈 When picking players for a sports team, it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes - as long as you don't let him be the last sorry SOB standing on the sidelines.


😌 If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.


😈 Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.


😒 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.


😉 Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation needed.


😇 Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you're able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if necessary.


😈 You cannot rat on a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken,
and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.


😎 If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully." Better response: Tell him to shut his pie hole.


😜 When a buddy is trying to hit on a hot chick, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting any either.

😈 Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and your résumé. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.


😈 Before allowing a drunken pal to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "Screw You!" you are absolved of responsibility. Remember: Later on you will have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

😂 (The Sk@nk Rule): You may swear friends to secrecy about a sexual escapade only if there's a chance the woman in question will become your girlfriend. If you're imprudent enough to get caught bagging an undesirable female, then the anecdote will stay in the guy public domain right through your bachelor party.


😎 Always split aces and eights. No arguments.