A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial, he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
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"Teacher: "If I had eight flies on my desk and swatted one, how many would be left?"
Little Johnny: "Just the dead one."
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My wife caught me masturbating.
I tried explaining to her that technically it was her fault.
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"Daddy, I need to tell you what my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said I have a beautiful chassis, voluptuous airbags, and slammin' bumper."
Dad to daughter: "Tell your boyfriend that if he tries to open your hood and check your
oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that is headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe!"
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Guys who see this will immediately understand. To all you gals out there, I hope this clarifies some mistaken impressions of how guy brains work!
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment some cute slim starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before
the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue..
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an
Xbox 1. End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws.
Ride of your life