[bliss]

A Pessimist sees nothing but darkness in the tunnel.

An Optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A Realist sees light from an oncoming train.

An Engineer sees three idiots standing on the track.
_____

A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself, lets her.

A woman is a person who if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, she gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."
_____

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
"That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
"That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

The teacher turns her back. Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb b!tche$ would keep their f*%$#@ mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around; she is livid and yells: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!"
Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein. I'll see you tomorrow!"