[bliss]

A senior citizen for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life. "Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week, I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old." The doctor said "My goodness Frank, and at your age too. I hope you at least took some precautions." The old guy said "Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave them all a phony name."…
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An outspoken atheist explorer was in the depths of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!"

A ray of light shines down from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living **** out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay…NOW you're screwed."…
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People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.