I married a nun; nun in the morning; nun at night...
SAFETY TIPS FOR MEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES
1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.
2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for
participation in the LIVE sex shows.
3. The fan in your computer's power supply is not a good place to cool
your "heat of passion" (although, it would certainly be an enlightening
experience)
4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy "tickling
the keys" with your manhood.
5. Semen IS electrically conductive!
A young man bought a new pair of boots of which he was very proud. He
decided to go dancing and give them a try.
After dancing with one lady for a few minutes, he said, "I bet you I
can guess the color of your panties."
"OK," she replied. "What color do you think they are?"
"Blue," he replied.
"How did you know that?" she asked.
"I saw the reflection in my shiny new boots," he said.
"Here, she said, "dance with my sister and tell me what color she has
on."
After dancing a while, the young man started rubbing his toes on his
pant cuffs and started to dance again. After a few minutes, he ask the
new lady, "What color panties do you have on? I can't seem to make them
out."
To which she replied, "I don't have any panties on."
With a sigh of relief, the young man said, "Oh good! For a minute I
thought I had a crack in my new boots."
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says,
"Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!"
Leon replies, "You're kidding." "I can't even manage to do it once."
"What's your secret?"
Elmer replies, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread."
So the second old man rushes to the store. The clerk asks the old man,
"May I help you?"
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."
The clerk says, "That's a lot of bread." "It's sure to get hard before
you're done."
The old man says, "Damn!" "Does everyone know about this except me?"
After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a
home-cooked dinner.
When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the
dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.
"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers
over the grit and grime.
Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really
delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and
yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
What Should Sex and Parking Spaces have in common:
You should never have to wait to find one
You should be able to slide right into one
Spaces in the front are always the best
When there are no spaces in front, spaces in the rear are just fine.
It make you jealous when you see someone else is double-parked.
Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back.
People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces.
Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying.
We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit.
A house isn't a home without a parking space.
Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear, just do it.
What are the worst three words you could hear during sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
B. "The Condom Broke!"
C. "I've got AIDS
D. "Get off me!"
E. "Is it in?"
F. "Who are you?"