[bonyhadi]

Career Test

An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents
were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his
future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar
bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table,
and hid, pretending they were not home. The father's plan was: "If our
son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible,
he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our
son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the
nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.
The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill,
looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he
took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the
bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then
he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his
forehead, and said: "Damn! Our son is going to be a senator someday!"







Hanging from the Edge

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!". "Oh yeah? What
happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful
woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes
and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her
goddammed husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out
of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!
Dare not even look Down!". "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the
bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on. "When her husband came into the room ,he said,'
Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak. And damned
if the lazy son of a ***** didn't piss out the window right onto my head?
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy
mood". "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really make got to
me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My goddamned forehead!". "Damn, that's
really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished.See what
really pissed me off was when the husband had to make a dump.
Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the
window and let loose right on my head!". The bartender paled. "That
would sure mess up my day". "Yeah, yeah, yeah, "the fellow rattled
on, "but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me
off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only sex inches
off the ground!"









Fun things to do when driving:

1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint.
The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror
as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out
your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers,
put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you
drive.

13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously.
With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended
and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.

16. At stop lights, ask people if they wanna hear a joke.

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror.
Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw
their butts out the window.

22. Keep at least five cats in the car.

23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the
roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!

25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.

26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger
seat, when driving alone.

27-29, censored and I'm too lazy to change the rest of the numbers.

30. Throw Spam. ?Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.

31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...a stop.
Then get out and watch the cars.

32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in.
When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your
map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"

34. Sing without having the radio on.

35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you,
then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...









Very Bad Day

Ok, there's this guy in a bar, sitting at the bar, just looking at
his drink. He sits, staring at his drink for over half-an-hour, not
talking and barely moving. Then, a big macho guy who has
been Playing pool takes notice of our friend at the bar, noticing
our friend just staring at his drink for a long time. This is driving
Mr. macho crazy so he walks up to the bar, grabs the drink and
chugs it right down. The poor man who has been sitting at the
bar starts crying.

Mr. Macho says: - "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll
buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying".

Our friend at the bar replies: - "No, it's not that. This day is the
worst of my life. First, I oversleep this morning and go late to my
office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building
and go to my car, I found out it was stolen. And the police say
they can do nothing to find my car. I get a cab to return home,
and after I get out of the cab, I remember I left my wallet and
credit cards in the cab. I run after the cab driver who just laughs
and drives away. I get home, and when I get there, I find my wife
in bed with the gardener. I leave home and end up at this bar. And
when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up
and drink my poison"!









Signs You've had enough to drink

- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Job interfering with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
- Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
- You can focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
- You fall off the floor...
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
- At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh.
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
- Don't recognize your wife unless seen through bottom of glass.