Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him
and says, "Come on, Willie, we're going upstairs!"
Willie replies, "OK. That's one of my favorite things!"
As soon as they get upstairs, Ethel grabs Willie,
throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard.
Willie protests, "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"
Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way, and so do
you."
Willie replies, "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my
favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll lose my job."
Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie? That doesn't make any sense!"
Willie explains, "The boss called me in the office today and told me,
'Willie, You screw up one more time, and you're fired!'"
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one
turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so
much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as
kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the **** out of 'em, and eat'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by
thetime you get done shakin' the **** out of a lawyer, there's
nothing'left but lips and a briefcase..."
This Chinese laundryman complained to the doctor that he was very
constipated.
The doctor gave him a prescription for a good laxative. "Come
to my office in a few days," said the doctor, "and let me know how it
works."
A few days later, the Chinaman visited the doctor.
"Have you moved yet?" asks the doctor.
"No, sir, me no moovee, me no moovee."
The doc thinks about it, and then gives him a prescription for twice as
much.
Three days later, when the man reported to the doc again, he said that
he still hadn't moved and the doc gave him a triple dose, and he said,
"Come back to see me in two days and let me know just what is
happening."
Two days later, the man returned.
"Well," said the doctor, "have you moved yet?"
"No, sir, me no moovee yet.
Me moovee tomorrow, though.
House full of ****."
A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her
patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a
revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could
pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without
stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."
Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood
and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."
He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third
guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."
The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on
the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you
have to say now?"
He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."
One day, a mother walks by her young son's room and sees
little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells
him that good little boys save it until they are married.
A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little
Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about,
dear?" she asks.
Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved
nearly a quart!"
Did you know the average male is 6 inches long, and the average
female is 8 inches deep?
So in New York City alone there is over 2 miles of unused *****!
================================================== ====================
A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking,
going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the
quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,
she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the
newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes
her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles
and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "But I do make a good living squeezing men by
the balls till they cough up money..... I'm a "Divorce Attorney."
