These days, with all the emphasis on one's physical fitness, a new
organization has sprung up called "Athletics Anonymous."
When you get the urge to play golf, tennis, go power-walking or
bicycle riding (or anything else involving a type of physical
activity), they send someone over to drink with you until the urge
passes.
Bambi, the blonde in her fourth freshman year at UCLA, sat in her
U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe
vs. Wade was about. Bambi thought a moment, then answered, "that was
the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross
the Delaware."
Q. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A. Exchange him.
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the
act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near
the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried
to run away.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up
to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried
to go through the express line with more than nine items."
Going off to my first semester of college, I was a little uneasy
about living with someone I'd never met before. But a couple of days
after we moved in, I knew I'd be okay. I walked in to find my
roommate on the floor, running his hands up and down a pair of khaki
shorts.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Ironing," he replied.
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Q. What would be the advantage of having a woman as president?
A. No wars, but every 28 days we have REALLY intense negotiation.
Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly IRS agent confronted him.
"It says here that you're a bachelor - yet you have claimed a
dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."
Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yep, it surely was."
The greatest Country-Western song titles of all time!
* Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
* Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* I Changed Her
Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Wanna Whip Your Cow
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
* I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
* I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
* If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
* Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John
Was Breaking My Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
* Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
* She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
* You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York
and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing
over a beautiful bed of lilies.
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor
old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So
the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you
doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to
the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and
he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke
ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in
reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem
that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the
man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor
tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded
to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious
study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the
patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at
his finger... "Dead men do bleed!!"
Q. What's the definition of a computer nerd?
A. A guy who knows 4,560 ways to have sex but doesn't know any girls.
Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only
dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put
him in the barn and said, "you stay here until you learn how to
behave yourself".
Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About
an hour later a traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the
Farmer for a place to
stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however
he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights
in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the
bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn.
Later another traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer
told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left
for barn.
One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the
Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two traveling
salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention
the bear).
The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn.
Two hours later heavy knocking at the door awakened the Farmer. When
opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn
and rumpled. The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?
.
The woman replied I give up on human nature, the first guy gave me
forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap
bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks.
Renfrew was the most absent-minded altar boy Father O'Malley had ever
seen. But Renfrew meant well, and the clergymen decided to give him
one more
chance to prove himself. "At mass tomorrow, I will come to a point
where you'll hear me sing, "And God's angels lit the candles." When I
say that, you're to light the candles in the back of the church. Is
that understood?"
Renfrew said it was, and that night both the priest and Renfrew
prayed for his success. The next day Father O'Malley conducted mass
in front of a full congregation. At last his rich baritone sang out,
"And God's angels lit the candles!" Nothing happened and he said
again, "And God's angels lit the candles!" Still the candles
remained unlit, and once more he boomed, "And God's angels lit the
candles!"
From behind the last pew Renfrew's small voice carried across the
room. "And your dog pee'd on the matches!"