At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against
a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of
bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in
relief...."I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile
of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his
comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own
head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to
survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in
disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to
survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"
A man in Israel lost a valuable dog. He advertised in a small local
newspaper; offering a very generous $5000 reward for it, but got no
replies.
He stopped by the newspaper office to check on results of his ad.
"I'd like to see Shapiro the advertising manager." he said.
"He's out," said Moishe, the office boy.
"Well, how about his assistant?"
"He's out too, sir."
"Goodness! Is everybody out - where are they?"
"They're all searching for your dog!"
If money is the root of all-evil, why do churches want it so badly?
John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they
arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John
and kissed him passionately.
"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"
"22 years", replied John.
"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that
after all those years."
"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
Mary: I see no reason to "celebrate" birthdays. I'm not glad about
getting older.
Jill: Yeah, know what you mean.
Mary: Not so long ago, I was young and hip; now I'm closer to a hip
REPLACEMENT!
Tom's wife wasn't very attractive, but he was no
oil painting,
either. After the ceremony, Tom asked the vicar how much the cost was.
"Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your
wife," replied the Reverend.
Tom looked at his wife, and handed the vicar $50.
The vicar looked at Tom's wife and gave him $42 change.
She: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a
nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.
He: Are you describing the wine or your mother?
"
Susan Meyer, a primary care physician, was finished trying to help
her patient who would never follow her recommendations. So she gave
him a referral to a Dr. Green, a proctologist, hoping he could find
this patient's head...
Thought for the Day: Everybody likes a little ass, but nobody likes
a smartass.
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother
had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"
In answer to his questions, he was told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked,
"What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a
simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said,
"at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic
bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then
he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only
a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.
"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he
said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in
the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position,
and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the
sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to
vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take
over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied, "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
"I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I
overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle
Management Specialists and Native Americans."
As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often
engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about
male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a
hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of
their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my
surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.
"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their
cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry."
When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her
some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest."
"How long have you been married?" I asked.
"Ten years," she replied.