"Resume 2002"
OBJECTIVE:
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for
eight hours, occasionally looking attentive
when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION:
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask, Don't Tell
EMPLOYMENT:
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present)
Produced daily itinerary of television programs
to watch. Duties included changing channels,
avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after
those "important" messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99)
Using various tools such as credit cards and
borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups
of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that
goes straight to my father.
COMPUTER SKILLS:
*Solitaire
*Minesweeper
*On/Off Repair Method
HONORS AND AWARDS:
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament
*Said Toast at brother's wedding
*High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive
responses, please pose all questions as though you're
considering me as a law school applicant.
Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife or Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a
blowjob.
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego?
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough
Boy?
A.) A red headed ***** with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're
screwed.
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory,
and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around
his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his
son would just sneer. They approached the heart
of the factory, where the father thought "This
should impress him!"
He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this
is the heart of the factory. This machine here we
can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do
you have a machine where you can put in a sausage
and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son,
we call it your mother."
A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and
yet her husband has lost interest in having sex. So, she goes to see her
doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing
serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor
tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning
without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage
beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week
with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I
backed over him with the car....
Jasmine went to Melva's place to tell her about a
horrible experience
she had the previous night with this guy she took
home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" asked
Melva.
"After we had some real freaky sex, the
son-of-a-***** called me a
slut!"
Somewhat shocked, Melva asked, "What did you do
then?"
"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom,
and to take his five
biker friends with him!"
