[bonyhadi]

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" Marilyn
Pittman

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal
family knew someone in the Royal family?"
Robin Williams

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend
in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is
attractive, but I have photographs of her."
Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I
replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too."
Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Dick
Cavett

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
Garry Shandling

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." Rita Rudner

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Kuwait."
Whitney Brown

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." Michael
McShane

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and
threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?"
Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans
were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself
in the head to stop your headache." Jack Mayberry

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three." Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
John Mendoza

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." Conan
O'Brien

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they
would

only play with each other."
Rita Rudner

"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's
why you should never date a baseball player." Marsha Warfield

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.* One
day, he took me aside and left me there." Ron Richards

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same
thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" Rita Rudner

"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years
old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." Drew Carey

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already
missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
Yakov Smirnoff

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you
should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and
spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." Bob Saget

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find
anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should
hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' Larry
Miller

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
Lily
Tomlin


"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
Lynda Montgomery

"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" John Mendoza

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."
Jerry Seinfeld

"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, ****! A
truck!' " Emo Phillips















Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
when a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we
never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off
and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his
clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of
the town hall, followed by loud applause.

The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering
crowd.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for The Best Dried
Arrangement!"
































A man strides into a bar wearing a long trench coat and carrying a
closed box. He walks up to the bar places the box upon it. He then opens
the trench coat, revealing not only that he is buck naked but also very
erect.

He then opens the box and removes a large turtle, at least a good ten
pounds or so in weight. He brings it near his pecker and when it gets in
reach it clamps on to his pecker. He then releases the turtle from his
hands, and it hangs above the stools that line the bar. He walks up the
length of the stools and back again, not saying a word.

When he reaches the point from which he started, he smacks the turtle on
the head, causing it to release his pecker from its grasp. He puts it
back in the box, closes his trench coat, and turns to the rest of the
patrons of the bar.

"I'll give any man who can do that $1000," he says.

Then, from the back of the room, a really scrawny, dorky, feeble looking
guy stands up and says, "I'll do it... as long as you promise not to hit
me on the head when I'm done."






























A man strides into a bar wearing a long trench coat and carrying a
closed box. He walks up to the bar places the box upon it. He then opens
the trench coat, revealing not only that he is buck naked but also very
erect.

He then opens the box and removes a large turtle, at least a good ten
pounds or so in weight. He brings it near his pecker and when it gets in
reach it clamps on to his pecker. He then releases the turtle from his
hands, and it hangs above the stools that line the bar. He walks up the
length of the stools and back again, not saying a word.

When he reaches the point from which he started, he smacks the turtle on
the head, causing it to release his pecker from its grasp. He puts it
back in the box, closes his trench coat, and turns to the rest of the
patrons of the bar.

"I'll give any man who can do that $1000," he says.

Then, from the back of the room, a really scrawny, dorky, feeble looking
guy stands up and says, "I'll do it... as long as you promise not to hit
me on the head when I'm done."