[bliss]

I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

My buddy set me up on a blind date & said, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby." Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper.

I need to start paying closer attention to stuff.
Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.

Cancer cures smoking.

I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.

Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.

The human brain is one of the most complex objects in the universe. Is it any wonder that so many people never learn to use it.

Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.
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A friend of mine had just seen a documentary about Chernobyl. He grew up in Ukraine in the 1980s and was able to count at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.
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