11 Ways To Treat A Penis
1) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy
Wonderful, i.e., "Hi ! I'm
Shirley ! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive
on it likes it's a raw
piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be
gentle. Stroke him nice
and easy. Make friends first.
2) When (Not "IF")giving oral sex, don't suck so
hard that you make an
industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster
and suck the man's
eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a
sensitive "guy" ya know. Be
gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in
high school, the one
who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.
3) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too
far forward or back. Up
and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do
move too far forward
and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's
crotch. Mr. Penis isn't
made for that action. And, VERY Important. When
going up and down, if
you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis
pops out, you are not a
basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf
ball...your aim is not
that good, and your 100 + Lbs, and this little
Newton thingy called
gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis
4) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's dick don't
grab it like a bus rail
and start jerking it like you were milking a cow.
Don't use the love
sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to
strengthen the forearms,
and remember ... when friction is the
problem...lubrication is the cure.
5) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good
tool you wanna keep
around for a while you've gotta take good care of
it just as you do your
dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him
gently.
Oil him
frequently, and have him park in the garage as
often as you can. Never
bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years
of use out of him that way.
6) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just
being coy or stupid.
That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no
response, then you
sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good
for you !
7) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr.
Penis's two friends, Mr.
Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster.
Not even ice or a nude
Pic of Ginette Reno and the Queen Mother playing
chess at the Naturalist
beach last July.
8) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a
tee.
9) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner
worked too hard on
pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too
soon, be proud that
you had that effect on him...not everyone can
have that effect on him.
10) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't
say, "**** ! Not that
deep ! What are you doing . . . drilling for
oil??" Say, "Wow you're
much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a
little easier on me?"
And never never say "Is it in?".
11) When you are done, always thank Mr. Penis.
Mr. Penis has feelings,
and Mr. Ego has bigger feelings. Without both of
them being stroked, Mr.
Ego may make Mr. Penis look for appreciation in
Mr. Neighbors wife.
