The doctor tells his patient: "Linda, I have some good news and some
bad news."
Linda asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't
suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Linda asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a
natural *****."
================================================== ===========
Using the keyboard to measure your DillyWhacker
1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded
hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately
below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on
the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).
2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number
key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is ``1234567890-+'' the
backspace key removes the.)
3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a
distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at
the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground.
Repeat the above test.
Cautions
1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard, or place two
keyboards end to end.
3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down
with alcohol first.
4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire
extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Test can also be used to
diagnose some genital disorders.
Test Results Diagnosis
1 -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome
12367 -- You have a strange gap in your penis
12efgbn -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.
12wgui,l=]\ -- Seek immediate medical care.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.
The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear
lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says "Father remember
psalm 129."
The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to
remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for the
zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once
again says "Father remember psalm 129"
Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the flesh
is weak."
Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his
way.
Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm
129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Woman!
1. We can get laid anytime we want.
2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.
3. We pee sitting down so it's easier to pass out on the toilet when you're
drunk.
4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.
5. We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg.
6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.
7. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret.
8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.
9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.
10. Men take us on all expense paid trips - all we have to do is sleep with
them
11. Men light our cigarettes for us.
12. Men hold the door open for us.
13. We pout better. (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
14. We're cuter.
15. We lie better.
16. We're better manipulators.
17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves
- you guys get the couch.
18. We always have food in the fridge.
19. We don't worry about losing our hair.
20. We always get to choose the movie.
21. We don't have to mow the lawn.
22. We don't have to take out the garbage.
23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.
24. PMS - yet another excuse to ***** at men.
25. Cosmopolitan.
26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a
hole.
27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.
28. PMS is a legal defense for murder.
29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you can walk all over em
forever.
30. We can masturbate more in a day than men.
31. 2 words - multi orgasmic!
32. We don't have to constantly adjust our genitals.
33. Sweat is sexy on us.
34. We never run out of excuses.
35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be
having it that often.
36. Doggie style - that way we get to watch the game, too.
37. We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.
38. We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time because men screw up so
often.
39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.
40. Women are cleaner.
41. Women have more than one erogenous zone. (in case you guys didn't know)
42. We're better arguers.
43. We don't always have to think with our genitals.
44. Massage!!!!
45. We're better parents.
46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.
47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.
48. We're flexible.
49. When women get upset, we don't destroy property or hurt people - we just
take it out on the world in general because we can.
50. Menopause - thank heaven we're not capable of having children after we're
50.
51. Menstruation - just another excuse to use so we can say "no" to sex.
52. Men in uniform.
53. There is no penis envy.
54. We can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because there's
no messy cleanup.
55. It generally takes us less to get drunk.
56. We have a higher tolerance to pain.
57. We often get to cut in line.
58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T.
59. Better tips.
60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do
it, it's rather disgusting
61. We have mastered civilized eating - we don't embarrass our friends or
make loud bodily noises in public.
62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell
disgusting - thank heaven for long pants and perfume! 63. We can connive men
into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we
want.
64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair.
65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet. 66. Men will pay us for sex.
67. Smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn't make us sterile.
68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.
69. Men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time,
but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want.
70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car
hits us, he gets hurt not us.
71. Women sweat less.
72. Women smell better.
73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on
flowers or cards - a blow job and sex fixes all.
74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats.
75. Women don't get the humor in the three stooges.
76. Women have three accessible holes.
77. We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons.
78. We're better gossips.
79. We have better fashion sense.
80. We're better shoppers.
81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.
82. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone.
83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell
you)
84. We're all sitting on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our extreme
advantage.
85. We don't have to drive when on a date.
86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable -
ugly men are just screwed.
87. Women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn"
line.
88. Women know how fake it.
89. Women look better naked
90. We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing.
91. When women are short, we're petite. When men are short, they're just
short.
92. Women do less time for violent crimes.
93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up.
94. An oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night.
95. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok
then bye"
96. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.
97. Women never have to see combat.
98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.
99. Women are sexier.
and the 100th reason its better to be a woman - this one is definitely worthy
of reiteration:
100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!
