THE MOST FUNCTIONAL WORD
Well, it's ****........That's right, ****! **** may just be the most functional word in the English language. Consider: You can be
**** faced, **** out of luck, Or have **** for brains. With a little effort, you can get your **** together, Find a place for your ****
Or decide to **** or get off the pot. You can smoke ****, Buy ****, sell ****, Lose ****, find ****, Forget ****, And tell others to eat
**** and die. Some people know their ****, While others can't tell the difference between **** and shineola. There are lucky
****s, Dumb ****s, Crazy ****s, And sweet ****s. There is bull ****, Horse **** And chicken ****. You can throw ****, Sling ****,
Catch ****, Shoot the ****, Or duck when **** hits the fan. You can give a **** Or serve **** on a shingle. You can find yourself
in deep **** Or be happier than a pig in ****. Some days are colder than ****, Some days are hotter than ****, And some days
are just plain ****ty. Some music sounds like ****, Things can look like ****, And there are times when you feel like ****. You
can have too much ****, Not enough ****, The right ****, The wrong **** Or a lot of weird ****. You can carry ****, Have a
mountain of ****, Or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to ****, And other
times you fall in a bucket of **** and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, It's the basic
building block of creation. And remember, once you know your ****, You don't need to know anything else! You could pass
this along, if you give a ****!
Boys and girls
BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an
hour.
PETER : Yes darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette his mouth.
Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.
Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.?
WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT: So your daughter's a hooker, and it
spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
1) My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire. I noticed your
cat. Sorry!
2) You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet
of
flowers and a box of Depends.
3) Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine, I got real snippy.
4) You totaled your car.
And can't remember why. Could it have been That whole case of Bud
Dry?
5) "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder: What the f*** was I thinking?"
6) "Congratulations on
your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
7) "How could two people
as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
8) "I've always wanted to
have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've
changed my mind."
9) I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in
Hell
until I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that
you're not
here to ruin it for me."
10) "Thanks for being a
part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
11) "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to
take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
12) "Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
13) "When we were
together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise."
14) "We have been friends
for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
15) "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
16) "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
the father is?"
17) "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you
often."
18) "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday... so we're having you put to sleep."
Quick Intelligence Test
1. If you went to bed at 8 o'clock at night and
wound up your clock
alarm to get you up at 9 o'clock the next
morning, how many hours
sleep would you get?
2. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
3. How many birth days does the average man have?
4. Why can't a man living in Winston-Salem, NC,
be buried west of the
Mississippi River?
5. If you had only one match and entered a room
in which there was a
kerosene lamp, an
oil heater, and a
woodburning stove, which would
you light first?
6. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how
many months have 28 days?
7. If a doctor gave you 3 pills and told you to
take one every half hour,
how long would they last you?
8. A man builds a house and all four sides have a
southern exposure. A
bear wanders by - what color is the bear?
9. How far can a dog run into the woods?
10. What four words appear on every denomination
of U.S. coins?
11. In baseball, how many outs in an inning?
12. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which
total 55 cents in value.
One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How
many did he have left?
14. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the
answer?
15. Two men were playing checkers. Each played
five games and each man won
the same number of games. No draws. How can
this be?
16. Take two apples from three apples and what do
you have?
17. An archaeologist claimed he found some coins
of gold dated to 46 B.C.
Do you think he did?
18. How many animals of each species did Moses
take aboard the Ark with
him?
19. Is it legal in California for a man to marry
his widow's sister?
************************************************** **********
Here are the >answers:
1. 1 hour of sleep. Wind up clocks don't have
am/pm settings.
2. Yes, and a 5th, a 6th, ...
3. 1
4. He could be buried alive but that would be
awful.
5. Light the match first.
6. All 12 have 28 days
7. 1 hour
8. White. The North Pole is the only place where
all four sides face
south.
9. halfway, then he would be running out of the
woods.
10. In God We Trust
11. 6 outs per inning
12. A half-dollar and a nickel. (Only one was not
a nickel)
13. 9 sheep
14. 70
15. They weren't playing against each other
16. 2 apples
17. How can coins be dated B.C. if the
designation didn't exist until
A.D.
18. I thought Noah brought 2 of each animal, not
Moses
19. No. Can't marry someone if you're dead.