[bonyhadi]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses
around, then spots the perfect car and walks over
to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she
turns back, there standing next to her, is a
salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching
it, you are going to **** when you hear the
price."











EVER WONDER
>
>
>
> >Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
> >
> >Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> >
> >Why don't you ever see the headline
> >"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
> >
> >Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
> >
> >Why is it that doctors call what they do
> >"practice"?
> >
> >Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
> >
> >Why is lemon juice made with artificial
> >flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
> >
> >Why is the man who invests all your money
> >called a broker?
> >
> >Why is the time of day with the slowest
> >traffic called rush hour?
> >
> >Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
> >
> >When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
> >
> >Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
> >
> >Why do they sterilize the needle for
> >lethal injections?
> >
> >You know that indestructible black box
> >that is used on airplanes? Why don't
> >they make the whole plane out of that
> >stuff?
> >
> >Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
> >
> >Why are they called apartments when they
> >are all stuck together?
> >
> >If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
> >
> >If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
> >
> > In case you needed further proof that the
> >human race is doomed through stupidity,
> >here are some actual label instructions
> >on consumer goods.
> >
> >On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while
> >sleeping. ( and that's the only time
> >I have to work on my hair).
> >
> >On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a
> >winner! No purchase necessary.Details
> >inside. (the shoplifter special)?
> >
> >On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions:
> >Use like regular soap." (and that would
> >be how???....)
> >
> >On some Swanson frozen dinners:
> >"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
> >"just" a suggestion).
> >
> > On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on
> >bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
> >(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
> >
> > On Marks & Spencer Bread
> >Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you
>thought????...)
> >
> >On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
> >wouldn't this save me more time)?
> >
> >On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
>machinery
> >after taking this medication." (We
> >could do a lot to reduce the rate of
> >construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
> >head-colds off those forklifts.)
> >
> >On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May
> >cause drowsiness."
> >(and...I'm taking this because???....)
> >
> >On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
>(as
> >opposed to...what)?
> >
> >On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
> >somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
> >
> >On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning:
> >contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
> >
> >On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
> >"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
> >
> >On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
>you
> > to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this
>one.)
> >
> > Now that you've smiled at least once,
> >it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you
>want
>to
> >bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to
> >everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
>












Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State building
drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says, "You know,
last week I
discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you
fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it
carries
you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar,
but says nothing. The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's
no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man,
"let
me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around
the
building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back
up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who is astonished. "You know I saw that wind
with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time fluke. That was
scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as
his body hurtles toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him
around the
building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so
I'll try
it!"

He immediately jumps over the balcony, plunges downward....rapidly passes
the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors....his body hits the sidewalk with a loud
"splat.

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the
first drinker, and shakes his head. He says..."You know, Superman, you're a
real asshole when you're drunk."












EGGS IN LOVE

Two eggs had just been married and were on their
honeymoon. While they
were sitting on the bed making out, the female
egg pushed the male egg
away and said, "I just have to go to the
bathroom. Be back in a
minute."

Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife
walk out in a slinky
egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth,
ovally body.

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the
top of his head,
covering it completely. The female egg looked at
him and asked what he
was doing. He replied, "The last time I was this
hard, someone cracked
me on the head with a spoon!"
















Signs Your Neighbor Has a Dirty Bomb


16> Three times this week she's come over to
borrow a cup of
uranium-238.

15> Daily muffled booms and the constant smell of

charred hamster.

14> Her every outfit is coordinated with a
matching lead apron.

13> There's a large pile of dead Jehovah's
Witnesses at his
front door.

12> The box-office total for the first weekend of

his new movie,
"Bill and Monica's Excellent Adventure," was
only $4860.

11> After listening attentively to your Amway
spiel, she asks
if you sell bomb cleaner.

10> Always kind of squirrelly, his son Skippy is
now completely
indistinguishable from one.

9> A 20-foot pineapple just ate your dog, kennel

and all.

8> The nearest nuclear plant is 300 miles away,
but your
goldfish just started quoting Aristotle.

7> You see a mushroom cloud in his back yard,
yet his BBQ grill
is covered.

6> Before: Whines about how nobody likes him.
Now: Cackles about how everyone will fear
him.

5> You no longer step in your dog's poop now
that it glows
like neon.

4> Before you can even load the bong, that weed
he grows in his
basement fires up all on its own.

3> None of his other bombs press you for anal.

2> You're a day late returning his hedge trimmer

and he gets
all "Hulk smash!" on you.

1> When CNN airs spy-plane footage of the
suspected Al-Qaeda
terrorist compound, you spot your kid's
Frisbee on the roof.















Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's
at the door."










Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it' mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours
in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces
are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put
it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.