You Know You have Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When: You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
Its Good to be the Woman We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening
anyway.
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from
insomnia." -- Joseph Wood Krutch
Actual logged maintenance complaints and problems P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken
by the engineers. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
You Know You have Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When: You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
Least Popular Street Names Vicious Circle
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." * Johnny Carson
You Know You have Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When: You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to
knit.
Its Good to be the Woman There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
* Richard Jeni
doglet -- any breed of dog so small it can be terrorized by the average-sized house cat
Its Good to be the Woman We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
Little Known Illnesses OREOPOROSIS Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
You do know the difference between a Fairy Tale and a Sea Story, don't
you?
A Fairy Tale starts out "Once upon a time," while a Sea Story begins
with, "Now, this is a 'no-****ter.'"
Brotha Jim SWEARS on his mother's life that this is a "no-****ter."
That it's true.
Jim plays golf down in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The course was built right
next to a cemetery. One of the greens is right next to the fence that
separates the golf course from the cemetery.
One afternoon, Jim was playing with a well-known loudmouth and they
came up to that green.
Loudmouth had about a 50 foot putt to sink. He took out his putter and
whacked the ball towards the hole.
It so just happens on the other side of the fence there was a funeral
in process. Jim says, "Honest to God, that putt *almost* made it in
about the time the pastor across the fence got done with the service.
Loudmouth shouts -- loud enough for the funeral to hear -- 'Get in
that damn hole, mother****er!'"
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
There was this construction worker on
the 3rd floor of this unfinished building.
He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy
to go down and get it himself, so he
tried to call his fellow worker on the
ground to get it for him, but this guy
could not hear a word he said. So he
started to give a sign so the guy on
the ground could understand him.
So first he pointed at his eyes
(meaning "I") then pointed at his
knees (meaning "need",) and moved
his hand back and forth describing
the movement of a hand saw.
Finally the guy on the ground started
nodding his head like he understood
and dropped his pants and started to
jack off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed
and ran down to the ground and started
yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was
trying to say, I need a hand saw". The
other guy replied: "I know, I was trying
to tell you that "I am coming...".
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sittng outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they
begin to wounder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter
shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first
time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat
and waited for an answer ... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married
in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they woundered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking some what
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a devorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced
with anger, slams his clipboard onto the gound. "What's wrong?" asked the
frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peater shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer !
~~~~~~~