How can you tell if you're in a lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have any balls.
Two 80 year old geezers are driving down the road when they hear the
Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young
again."
John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a
bottle of that stuff!"
Sylvester agrees and the two old geezers pull over and get a bottle of
Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.
About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young
yet?"
"No," replies John.
So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue
to drive down the road.
A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"
"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"
Mrs. Jones had a feeling that her husband was cheating on her so
she got two of the kids from next door to spy on him and see if he
was cheating on her. The two boys climbed up a tree and looked
onto Mrs. Jones's bedroom window and saw Mr. Jones having sex
with Miss Smith and went back and told Mrs. Jones what they saw.
It happened three times in one week which upset Mrs. Jones,
so she filed for divorce.
While in court the judge asked if Mrs. Jones had any witnesses, to
which she replied, "Yes, two boys from next door."
The judge asked one of the boys to explain what he saw.
He said, "Judge, I climbed up in the tree and saw Miss Smith and
Mr. Jones take off all there clothes and started ****-in."
With that the Judge got upset and said, "You can't use that language
in this court," and thru him out.
When he asked the second boy to explain what he saw, he told
him to explain to him without using the bad language.
"Well, Judge," he said, "there was Mr. Jones and Miss Smith in the
bedroom, and they took off all their clothes. There was ten toes up
and ten toes down, Two big asses going round and round,
Meat fly in and meat fly out, If that ain't ****-in you can kick me
out!"
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.'
A little voice from the back of the room asked,
'How the **** will that help?"
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a
week in Las Vegas. The week flew by & they all had a great time. After
they returned home & the men went back to work, they sat around at
break & discussed their vacation.
The first guy says " I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since
we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers 7 come 11 all night
& I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says " I know what you mean...my old lady
played blackjack the whole time we were there & she slaps the
bed all night and hollers hit me light or hit me hard & I haven't
had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says " You guys think you have it bad! ...my old
lady played the slots the whole time we were there & I wake up each
morning with a sore dick & an ass full of quarters.
On the first day of third grade, Miss Torch took roll call.
"My name is Johnny ****hauer," said one boy.
"I won't tolerate such language in my class", Miss Torch fumed. "Tell
me your real name."
"That is my real name," Johnny insisted. "You can ask my brother over
in the fourth grade."
The determined teacher marched across the hall. "Do you have a
****hauer in here?" Miss Torch asked the class.
"Hell no," a bold lad retorted. "We don't even get a cookie break!"
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their
first night. This was to be the first time they had made love and it
was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few
things about him. As her husband took off his trousers, the wife
noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared. She asked him what
at happened and the husband explained "as a child I had kneasels"
"Kneesels?" she asked, "what on earth is that?"
He replied, "Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the
knees".
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked
at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared. She
asked about this and he replied, "oh as a child I had tolio".
"Tolio?" she asked, "what on earth is that"
He explained, "Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes".
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, "Don't tell me, let
me guess- small cox".
A newly wed couple were looking to decorate their new house. Whilst
bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror, which the shop owner
states is "magical".
The couple buy the mirror, and place it on the back of their bedroom
door.
One day the wife decided to test the mirror out, and whilst looking into
the mirror said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my boobs size 44."
And lo and behold it came true! She ran down the stairs to show her
husband, who was utterly amazed. He proceeded to run up to the bedroom,
and whilst looking in the mirror he said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my manhood touch the floor."
And then his legs fell off.
