[bonyhadi]

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and pretty. One
day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks
door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw
his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked,
"By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see
a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary who was quite witty said, "Why no Mr. Smith. All I saw was a
little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."













A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-
old girl in her cart.

As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for
cookies and her mother told her no.

The little girl immediately began to have a conniption fit,
and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of
the aisles left to go through--don't be upset. It won't be
long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats.

When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her
mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there,
Missy, don't cry--only two more aisles to go and then we'll
be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat
immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when
her mom said she couldn't have any.

The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this
checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and
have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the
woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient
you were with little Missy," he said.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name
is Francine--I'm Missy."











Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One
lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?"

******

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman
approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be
forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high
wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this
hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday!"

*****

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from
their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk
about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever
have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said,
"No, I think we had State Farm."

*****

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she
could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could
buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about."
















A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at
the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it
isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do
you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions
and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks,
"Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions,
honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to
play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her
friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her
driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later
that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you
are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I
also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock
now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues
on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce." "Oh
really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies,
"Because you got an F in sex."












A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated
by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees
who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his
hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly
exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his
hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does..."











My 7 yr old son asked my why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was
recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told
him the TV was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.
The TV set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason.
I'd give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come
back on, it was no big deal to me.
The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son
answered the door.
At that time I was trying to get the TV to come back on. The
pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little one said, "No, sir,
she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.












Man to wife: "Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles
you are getting!"

Wife: "They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!"

Man: "Nothing is that freakin' funny!!"














She was beautiful, blonde and buxom - a perfect
specimen of womanhood - with a small baby in her
arms.
He was in his first day in private practice,
eager to
show he knew all about everything.

"What's seems to be the problem?", he asked in
his
best medical manner.

"It's the baby", she said, "He seems
under-nourished."

Earnestly the doctor carried out an extensive
examination of the baby and then asked, "Is he
breast-fed?"

"Yes doctor, he is", she replied.

"Will you strip off to the waist now, please?"
the
doctor said.

The young woman looked at the doctor somewhat
anxiously, and began to protest. "But doctor ...
"

The doctor simply brushed her protestations aside
by
saying, "it is better to look at everything ...
so if
you wouldn't mind?"

Blushing with embarrassment, she took off her
blouse
and bra, revealing a perfect pair of large, firm
breasts. The young doctor professionally weighed
each
one in his hands, stroked them forward and back,
and
then gently flicked each nipple in turn for a few

moments, finally lightly squeezing them between
his
fingers and thumb.

Ah!", he said, as his face broke into a knowing
smile. "That's the problem, you do not have one
little
bit of milk!"

"Oh doctor, that's not the problem", she replied,
"I'm
just the babysitter - but it sure has been a REAL
pleasure meeting you!"









Top 30 things You will NEVER Hear A Maritime Boy
Say.....

30. No Sireee, no more for me. I'm driving.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape can't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, screw Pilsner, I'll have
a Heineken.
26. We don't keep loaded firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just
not safe.
23. Wrestling's fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and salad instead of
steak & potatoes.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Grey Cup?
17. I'm voting Liberal this year.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart
today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Way to go Jean! Sign that Kyoto agreement
now!
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all backed up on the C: drive.
10. I'm gonna buy a Ford Aerostar instead of that
Dodge Diesel 4x4.
9. My fiancee, Rose, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Perrier for the Stanley
Cup.
7. Checkmate.
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "The Dukes of
Hazaard" that we haven't seen!
4. I don't really have a favourite CFL team.
3. Peace.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer,
Margaret.

1. Well, let's hire the gay guy!