*Shouldn't a retired military man drive a 'vette?
*Emigrating -- Canada's military strategy to conquer America.
*A book of Military Defeats by Major Disaster and General Mayhem.
*The military mouthwash ~~~> Enlistermint.
---------
*A few distinguished members of last season's Glee Club were
"re-choired" to sing again.
*Sign in a medical waiting room: Patience, Patients.
*Tour the Eternal City: Roam Rome
*Mr. Ed with a cold: Hoarse horse
*Has-been star actor: Idle idol
---------
*A clown is a poet in action.
*A clown without a job is nobody's fool
*I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car. - Steven Wright
*Lions never eat clowns because they taste funny
*My Career As A Clown - By Abe Ozo
*The circus must be in town. Look at all these CLOWNS
*They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers.
But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. -- Carl Sagan
*You want me to go to college? College? Ha! Barber or Clown?
---------
.
Two guys are drinking at a bar.
The first says "Do you ever start thinking about
something, and when you go to talk, you say
something you don't mean?"
The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport
buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the
counter had these huge tits, and instead of
asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh'
I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having
breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of
saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?',
I said 'You've ruined my life you ****ING *****'
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see
her grandmother in the forest.
Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the
forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf
will catch you and suck your tits dry!"
Little Red started towards her grandmother's
house but decided to take the shortcut through
the forest anyway.
The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn
back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf
finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"
Little Red was almost there, so she kept going
through the forest.
Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere
and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red
Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!".
"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she
pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just
like the story says!"
How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend
John.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.
"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner,
she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me
to rub her feet . . ."
Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education
program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the
gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.
My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked
into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes
stacked on a bookshelf.
"What are all these books?" he asked.
Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.
"Really?" he said. “Someone printed out the whole thing?!?"
A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the
bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better
one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir thard
drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I come from, dere s a better one. In Roma,
dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda
drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called
Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your forst drink dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your
tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
There was a young man driving his car, when
suddenly he saw a little frog sitting beside
him. The frog began saying to the man "Kiss
me, kiss me"! But the man didn't want to kiss
a frog..
The little creature kept saying to the man
"Kiss me, kiss me" So at last, he accepted
and kissed the frog. And guess what the frog
turned into??
A very beautiful lady.
Now, the man began saying to the lady "Kiss me,
kiss me"... but the lady didn't want to kiss
the man. At last she accepted and kissed the
man...And guess what the man turned into??
The next motel!!!!
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when
we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less
than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that
you think in fractions.
"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half."
You're never 36 and a half ....You're four and a half
going on 5.
You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number. "How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're
gonna be 16. Eventually.
Then the great day of your life; you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony.
You BECOME 21....Yes!!
Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound
like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.
Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50.
You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you
REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.
By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70.
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT
Wednesday...
You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My
Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's
an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."
And it doesn't end there....
Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."
