[bonyhadi]

Lovemaking Tips For Older Persons

1. Put bi-focals on ... double check that you're with the right
***** partner.


2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes...* in case you doze off in
***** the middle.


3. Set the mood with lighting ...* turn them ALL OFF!


4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.


*5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to
***** scream out at the end.


6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the
***** bed.



7. Have heating pads, tylenol, splints and crutches ready in case you
***** actually complete the act.

















When You're Cheating...and When You're not.


Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list
of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on
your spouse or significant other.

1.* Oral Sex does not count.

2.* If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't
count

3.* If you failed to call the person back to have more sex,
*** doesn't count

4.* If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5.* Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share

6.* If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for
this", doesn't count

7.* An old flame, doesn't count

8.* An ex-spouse, doesn't count ,refer to this as a "pity ****"

9.* Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not
sex...not cheating

10.* Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11.* Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12.* Kissing body parts is not cheating

13.* An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex,
BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14.* An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count

15.* An act committed with a family member of your significant other,
doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family
closet "...not cheating

16.* Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it
was public right?)

17.* Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation"

18.* In car, doesn't count, way to cramped, if vehicle is in motion and
has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and erotic not to
count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19.* An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not
achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count

20.* An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been
exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count

21.* An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count
** (not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22.* Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23.* An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count, this
should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24.* Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are
*** angry with your significant other doesn't count

25.* An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count, this
should be considered " getting aquainted ".

26. An act with a US President , doen't count, unless the Senate votes
impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career
enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

** SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!