Q:What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of an ugly man?
A: A tattoo.
Q:Why is it a man's pee is yellow & his sperm white?
A:So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: You call them up and tell them you can't cum
Q.What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
*
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your
Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were
willing
to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and
repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80
percent.. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and
repeated
his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except
one elderly lady in the rear. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to
forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the
congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three,
and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy,
I just outlived the *****es."
45 THINGS SHE WISHES
YOU KNEW
Universal truths that all men
should--but don't--understand
1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't
count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48
hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly
above.)
16. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
17. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
18. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
19. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and
impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when
we're just going to the movies.
20. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
21. You should never tell me what to do.
22. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
23. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
24. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
25. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
26. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
27. I want to be Madonna.
28. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
29. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt
and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
30. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
31. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
32. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to
recognize this.
33. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
34. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
35. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know
yourself.
36. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns
major bonus points.
37. I love it when you're sweaty.
38. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
39. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
40. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
41. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
42. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you
wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
43. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
44. I remember everything about our relationship.
45. You should know all this and more without my telling you.