A PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED.....
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the
bathroom
floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped
over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Jacko.
"Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled.
Jacko came running in.
"Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up.
"You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey"
(his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan C"
"Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles
under her"
"Spot on" Jacko said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and
play
with her tits"
"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Why the hell would you want to do
that"?
Jacko replied "Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"
Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. For years both
had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning.
One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking
home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking
across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Being totally
terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay
like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.
With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind
blew her dress up exposing the long unused part of her anatomy.
Along comes the local stud, and seeing the poor souls predicament, he
did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation.
After fully satisfying himself he zipped his pants and went on his merry
way.
Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home,
calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! If you
ever get struck by lightning, you'll never be afraid again!!!!!!"
A plumber, an electrician, a dentist and a programmer.
A plumber, an electrician, a dentist and a programmer are fast friends: buddies for life,
eternal bachelors.. until the programmer announces he is getting married.
Never ones to pass up a golden opportunity, the three compadres find out the name and
location of the hotel where the programmer will be honeymooning, and bribe the desk
clerk to let them in to rig a few 'welcome' surprises.
A week after returning from the honeymoon, the programmer meets his buddies in a bar
for drinks, and half-heartedly chuckles with them over the gags.
Pointing to the plumber, he comments "Yeah, the drippy faucet you couldn't turn off was a
neat trick."
And to the electrician: "And a flickering table lamp with no off switch was cute, too."
Then, shaking a fist at the dentist "But, you! YOU! Novocain in the Vaseline was one
cheap shot!"
Insult of the day:
The proctologist called, they found your head.