[bonyhadi]

GRANNY’S CONDOM

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off
the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The
guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is,
after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she

prefers.

Lady 1: "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.













Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me,
complaining of severe abdominal pains.

We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the
source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we new what was
wrong.

When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our
suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral
home now?"

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not
that sick!"














I hope you have had your morning coffee.

1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't
even get into my own pants

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was
my blood alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in
bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with
"Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get
the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get
one flea..."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they
know me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes
misery easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really
wanted a screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've
seen too many of them get elected.

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet
it has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours
and ****head's.

14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if
it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it
deals you a truckload of
hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!

15. I love being married. It's so great to find
that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of
your life.

16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents
at the bowling alley.

17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect;
therefore I am perfect.

18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the
ones she's been giving me lately.

19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for
number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so
quickly by just one busted condom.

21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

22. Welcome to **** Creek-Sorry, We're Out of
Paddles!

23. How come we choose from just two people to
run for president and 50 for Miss America?

24. Isn't having a smoking section in a
restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

25. Why is it that most nudists are people you
don't want to see naked?

26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can
hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't
know where it's been!"

















Two guys were walking down the street one day
when
they
came across a small pair of gym shorts on the
ground.

They decided to put a sign up on the church
bulletin
board so the rightful owner could claim them.

The first one starts to write out the sign,
"FOUND:
one pair of boys gym shorts..."

"Hold on," says the second, "Those are girls gym
shorts."

"No they're not," says the first, "They're boys
shorts!"

The second grabs them from him and takes a closer
look, "No, no ... Definitely girls gym shorts!"

The two of them are inspecting the shorts in
turns and
arguing.

"Boys shorts!", "No, girls shorts!", "Definitely
boys
shorts!" .... and so on.

The local priest is walking past as the two men
argue
and can't help but ask them what the commotion is
all
about.

The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if
he
could sort out the argument.

The priest takes the shorts, has a good long
sniff,
and after pondering for a few moments he looks at
the
two men and says:

"Definitely boys shorts! ......... but not from
my
parish!"

















POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about six years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop? "

"Yes, " I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right? "

"Yes, that's right, " I told her.

"Well, then" she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please
tie my shoe? "

~~~~

POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there? " he
asked.

"It sure is, " I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van.

Finally he said, "What'd he do? "

~~~~~

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly
the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will
never believe this! "

~~~~~

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. "

"And why not, darling? "

"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning. "

~~~~~

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his
playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be
performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug
a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son
was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaaather. . . and unto the Soonnn . . . and into the
hole he gooooes. "

~~~~~~

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time, " she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they
won't let me talk! "

~~~~~

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found! " the boy called
out. What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boy's
voice,

he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear! "