[bonyhadi]

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A teabag.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PUSHING DOWN

An old man goes to the doctor to ask
him an important question.

"Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it
took both of my hands to push down
my hard-on."

"When I was in my 30's, it took one
hand to push down my hard-on."

"When I was in my 50's, it took three
fingers to push down my hard-on."
"Now that I'm in my 60's, it only
takes one finger to push down on my
hard-on!"

"So what I'm basically trying to ask
you is? How strong am I going to get?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dirty Old Man

An old man was on the beach and walked
up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to
feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" was
the reply..

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you
twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away
from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you
ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered

She paused to think about it, but then comes
to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me
feel your breasts," he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems
harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money...

"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both
are standing there on the beach, he slid his
hands underneath and began to feel... then
he started saying, "OH MY GOD..OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you
keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered,
"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five
hundred dollars?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool
began to cry.

The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?"

She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me
because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"

Three men and a Lesbian were killed in the rush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Signs that You Might be Gay
- There's a dick up your ass.
- You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
- You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
- Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
- Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of
your neighbors.
- Your nickname is "Homo."
- Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather
spank him.
- You know over 10 people named Bruce.
- There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.
- You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are from Arizona when...

1. You buy salsa by the gallon.

2. Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and l00 paper
bags.

3. You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

4. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear
out come the end of April.

5. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.

6. Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los".

7. You think 60 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

8. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't
remember the name of the incumbent.

9. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

10. Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.

11. You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny.

12. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

13. You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the
Salt River.

14. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

15. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

16. Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

17. You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over l00
degrees.

18. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

19. People break out coats when temperature drops below 70 degrees.

20. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

21. The pool can be warmer than you are.

22. You can make sun tea instantly.

23. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your
fireplace.

24. Most homes have more firearms than people.

25. Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"

26. People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are
automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

27. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.

28. The AC is on your list of best friends.

29. Monday Night Football starts at 7:00 instead of 6:00.

30. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

31. You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.

32. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.

33. You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro," "Ocotillo,"
"Tempe,""Gila Bend," "San Xavier," "Canyon de Chelly," "Mogollon Rim,"
"Cholla," and "Ajo."

34. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is
walking on the streets.

35. You experience third degree burns if you touch any metal part of your car.

36. You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're
wearing shorts.

37. Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with "in case of
rain......"

38. When someone asks how far you live from a location, it's always in terms
of minutes, not miles.

39. Everyone's smiling and talking about the great weather on rainy days.

40. If you haven't worked for Motorola at some time, you must be a newcomer.

41. You have to explain to out-of-starters why there is no daylight
savings time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BAR MEETING
A guy met a girl in a bar and asked,

"May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you
another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and
she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you
any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "
You are the most beautiful thing I have
ever seen. I want you for my wife."...

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ON CAMEL TIME
Some Americans were touring an Arab marketplace
and one of them saw a man sitting on the ground
brushing his camel.

"Excuse me, sir," the American said. "Do you
know the time?"

Ammar looked at the American. The he reached
over and held the camel's balls, moving them slightly.
"Ten after two," he said, at last.

"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his
tour group and insisted some of the others return with
him, "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.

The group went back with him. Again he asked for
the time. Again Ammar reached for the camel's balls.
He seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to
and fro. Finally, he announced: "Twenty- one minutes
past two."

The others were amazed. They went on their way, but
the first American remained. He leaned over. "Listen,"
he confided to Ammar, "I'd give you anything to know
how you do that. I'll give you twenty American dollars
if you show me how you can tell the time by holding
your camel's balls."

Ammar thought for a moment, and then nodded.
Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the
American to kneel down beside him on the ground.
Then he took the camel's balls and gently moved them
to the side, out of the way. "Do you see that clock over
there?" he asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of,
old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the
human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached
by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he
would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called
the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "...And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to
Bethlehem...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was
jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They
said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."

"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They
said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."

"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added
the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had
collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all
questions.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but
there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a
being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's
absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will
share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded
in agreement. Finally, Lynn responded, "I think it's a great idea! Can I
help you choose which puppy to buy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~