[bonyhadi]

I got a sweater for my birthday. I wanted a screamer or a moaner.







Diary of a Smoker-Quitting


This Sucks

Day One: ****.

Day One again only the next day: Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done.
Same for bathroom. Am suddenly thinking this has upside. Eating dried
fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished
roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me of
cigarettes. Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully.
Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him. Walk by
computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this
has been main smoking area. It's about four-o' clock now; I could
have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one. That's
Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly,
right now, I don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on
Playstation. Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero
can save world. World doomed in my opinion.

Day two, morning: Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great; two
extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and
spawn. Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had
desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up
six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of
water "to assist my system flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy
as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies.
Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post
arrives. Probably both.

Day 2, afternoon: See husband off to airport for business trip. Clean
closets. Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - body
of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise. Put in extra
dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.) Decide to take walk.
Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet. She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite.

Day 3, morning: Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for
joyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal.

Day 3, Afternoon: Call garbage disposal repair.

Day 4: Receive visitor. Police looking for missing mail carrier -
received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make
coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried
fruit to make smiley faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if
he smokes. Burst in to tears. Confess.

Day 472: Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. Federal
crime.

Day 478: Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no
cigarettes to trade. Able to sing better now; make up prison blues
songs.

Day 552: Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress.
Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked. Wants twelve cartons of
cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots. Decide husband will live as
price too steep.

Day 558: Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to
have defense attorney whacked. Feel better.

Day 691: Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last
moments. Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.
Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal
building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel
slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric. Warden enters cell excitedly;
Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village"
crimes statute: allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of
severe nicotine withdrawal.


Day 1: ****.


Rules For Life_______________ 1. You will receive a body. You may like it or
hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school
called life. Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn
lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and
error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the
process as the experiment that ultimately "works."
4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to
you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the
next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not
contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better than "here," When your "there" has become a "here,"
you will simply obtain another "there" that again, looks better than "here."
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate some- thing
about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate
about yourself. 8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the
tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice
is yours.
9. The answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside
you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for
her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from
sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I just spent ten days of quality time in a
compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: I want to know if I have grounds for a divorce.
Lawyer: Are you married?

Wife: Yes, of course.

Lawyer: Then you have grounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COUPLES NOT
After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between your eyes

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The prayer meeting was really jumping. The pastor
asked for those who wanted to witness to get up and
speak. A man stood and shouted, "I have lusted in my heart!"

The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother. Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have been slave to the demon alcohol!"

The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have been unfaithful to my dear wife!"

Again the pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have screwed a goat!"

The pastor said, "I wouldn't have told that, Brother!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
25 Inches

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is
having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one
complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you
can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know
this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions
to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25
inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only
hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think
I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the
forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a
log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog
says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the
frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he
screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches,
so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?"
the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5
inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his
penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is
still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked
across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I
have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing
about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening
until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum.

He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~