If Men Arranged Marriages.....
There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until
the cops
showed up.
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean
cut-offs and halter
tops.
They would have NO tan lines and more skin
showing than
not.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the
Nike shoes
would have matching team colors.
June weddings would be scheduled around
basketball play-
offs Vows would mention cooking and sex
specifically, but omit
that "forsaking all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a
souped-up '73 Charger
or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame
designs on the
side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless
they were
really old) would get punched in the head.
Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role
of "Best
Man."
There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting
events at
half-time or between innings.
Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be
long.
Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive
compared to the
cost of the bachelor party. The cost of
strippers and liquor
really does add up.
Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear?
The
burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd
just grab extras
from their local pub or tavern.
Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better
yet, free drink
passes at the local lounge.
The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel,
and be
form-fitted to her ass.
Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there
would be
a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza, and
plenty of
bar-b-que.
No one would bother with that veil routine. But
they
would insist that the garter be as high up on her
leg as
it could go.
The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a
previous
funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or
something.
Invitations would read as follow: Tom (Dick or
Harry) is
getting the old ball and chain. He's getting
married.
He either: A) Knocked her up, B) Couldn't get a
different
roommate, or C) Caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet
the woman who will cook and clean for him For the
rest of his
life at Soldier Field Stadium On the 50-Yard Line
at Half-time
during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the
Moonlight Lounge
after the game For Beer, Nachos and
Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B.
There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus
was Black
1) He called everyone "Brother"
2) He liked Gospel
3) He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Jewish
1) He went into his Fathers business
2) He lived at home until he was 33
3) He was sure his mother was a virgin and
his mother was sure he was
God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Italian
1) He talked with his hands
2) He had wine with every meal
3) He used olive
oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was a Californian
1) He never cut his hair
2) He walked around barefoot all the time
3) He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Irish
1) He never got married
2) He was always telling stories
3) He loved green pastures
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3
proofs that Jesus was a woman
1) He had to feed a crowd at a moment's
notice when there was no food
2) He kept trying to get a message across
to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it
3) Even when he was dead, He had to get up
because there was more
work to do.
Amen !!!!!
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs
to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, I've been
telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!
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"My daughter and I took what proved to be 134 pounds of cardboard
boxes to the recycling center and earned $1.34. Counting gas and ice
cream, we turned a profit of -$7.85. We're going to use generally
accepted accounting principles and apply this amount to our taxable
income."
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According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and think he's
really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if
he's married?
Rose Marie: No, you should wait until morning.
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Jewish Mothers don't differ from any other in the world when it comes
to bragging about their sons. One Mother, trying to out-do another
when it came to opportunities available to their just
graduated-from-college sons said, "My Irving has had so many fine
interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing."
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Mary: And then he told me his name was John Smith.
Jill: Oh, that sounds fake! Weren't you suspicious?
Mary: Oh, yes! I was even more so when he asked me, "How much for the
whole night?"
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What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
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If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Hey, three days of steady drinking ought to do it.
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A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his
high-school alma mater.
Last fall, a member of the Class of 1986 returned the standard alumni
questionnaire with this response:
Marital Status - Not good
Wife's Name - Plaintiff
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Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance
company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.
"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who
picked up the phone.
"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your
policy," she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name
and address, she asked, "Was this a work-related incident?"
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In keeping with the spirit of the times, there's a new exercise class
for all Mothers-in-Law. It's called aerobic nagging.
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"In Florida, a woman who's a special-needs teacher by day, has been
arrested for working as a prostitute at night. When asked about it,
the woman said her clients at night also have "special needs." -
Conan O'Brien
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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.
The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My
husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Not exactly. I mean, she's the one that suffers, not me."
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You Know You're Living In The Year 2002 When:
A. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they
do not have an e-mail address.
B. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
C. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn
so she can create a screen saver.
D. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
E. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the
bottom of the screen.
F. You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.
G. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go get it.
H. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.
I. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
J. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
k. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
L. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
M. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
N. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if
youjust pulled the plug on a loved one.
O. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
P. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on
your way back to bed.
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