The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him
where he is going; fifty years of having his wife ask the same question; and
at the end, the mourners wondering too!
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The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that all cars will now be
of German origin.
To this end the following list of German motoring phrases:
1) Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators
2) Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood (Bonnet)
3) Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust
4) Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch
5) Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture
6) Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver
7) Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car
8) Der Flippenflappenschitspreader = Windshield wipers
9) Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt
10) Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway code
11) Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights
12) Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist
13) Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck
14) Der Bananwaltzen = Skid
15) Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident
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Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked
very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the
end of the day she was nucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the
other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible uckers and had
fetty sweet.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts wouldn't
let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother
appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six
dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told
Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking
falamity.
At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly
the clock struck twelve...."For suck's fake!" yelled Rindercella as she ran
out, tripping barse over ollocks and dropping her slass glipper.
Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly
ister let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig
bart.
"Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there," said Mary Hinge. When the brinking stown
cloud had lifted the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the
sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking fank. Betty Swollocks was
ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This
was not difficult has he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard-on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
They were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella
lived hers with a follen swanny.
And they lived happily ever after...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test the
French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making.
On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her.
"First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you to ze
bed. And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will kiss ze navel."
"Big deal !!!" she said. "I've had my navel kissed before hundreds of times."
"Ahhhhh, but of course!" shrugged the Frenchman. "But... from ze inside?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and
says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!"
The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call
girl they have for him.
Sergeant Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on
his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed.
He then says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years,
and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"
Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect.
The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that.
The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm
a master of my mind and body. DICK, AT EASE!!"
His penis goes immediately limp.
The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for
another demonstration.
The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"
(A raging hard-on once again).
He follows this display of prowess with the command of "DICK, AT EASE!!"
(His penis goes limp once again).
The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration
one more time.
The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you darling, I've been in the Army
thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"
His penis becomes immediately erect. He then gives the following command,
"DICK, AT EASE!!"
The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his absolute horror, his penis is still
rock hard. He says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier: DICK, AT EASE!!"
Once again his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and
says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!!"
No luck, his penis is still rock hard. He yells, "Goddammit!!" and moves to
the side of the bed and starts to vigorously play with himself.
The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?"
The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order--and I'm
giving him a dishonourable discharge!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a round,
she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.
She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two
glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.
Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it
in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."
He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it
a go. First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice.
T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear, "Blowjob revenge!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is a KISS?
It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further
PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.
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