[bonyhadi]

farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce. "He
makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking
at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"

"Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you kept chickens."

"We don't, Mr. Jones, we were at the supermarket!"












A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer
lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city
boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range
and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't
know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill
to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!"
said the boy.

"Oh, ****!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"











A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative."

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."














A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready
to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the
husband,

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods." replies his wife

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah. Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you
went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get
done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service
and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that. "

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do
it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love
with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes
over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room
service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes
love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired
and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No, I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole.










For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those great
old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favourites have
re-released their great hits! Now with new lyrics to accommodate
their aging audience,,,,some examples are as follows:

<> Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
<> The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
<> Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
<> Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"
<> The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
<> Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
<> Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"
<> The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
<> Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
<> ABBA--"Denture Queen"
<> Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
<> Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
<> Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"
<> The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
<> Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising"
<> Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
<> The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

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