[bonyhadi]

Why do Men resemble Computers?
Because they have plenty of Ram, But not enough Memory
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This guy went to a drug store to buy condoms for the first time, and
was waited on by a beautiful, sexy young woman. "What size do you
want?"
"I'm not sure......" "How big are you?" she asked
"The guy blushed and said, "Compared to what?"
She held up one finger and asked "Are you this big?"
"No, I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up two fingers and asked "Are you this big?
"No, I'm bigger than that"
Then she held up three fingers and asked "Are you this big?
I said, "Yeah, I'm about that big."
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said,
"You're a medium, top shelf on your left!"
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The trick to successful dating is learning how to
interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway
gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
- No foreplay.

2. Can't hail a cab.
- Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
- Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the
way.
- He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
- Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
- Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The
lady will have..."
- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

8. Asks for "the usual"
- Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are.
- Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
- Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf.
- Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
- Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

13. Credit card is refused.
- Low sperm count.

14. Under tips waiter.
- Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick.
- Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
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Bumper Stickers - The Proverbs of Life

* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
* A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
* A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The
Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House
* A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen... And This Kitchen Is
Delirious
* Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT
* Housework Done Properly Can Kill You
* If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.
* My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
* No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes
* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
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THE ASTROLOGICAL LIGHT BULB CHANGER

How many members of each astrological sign does it take to change a
lightbulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just TRY to convince them that the
burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing
about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years
to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will
get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought,
make that two. Ummm,is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared with the
Enlightened
Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
lightbulb?

Capricorn: I won't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....

Pisces: Lightbulb? There's a lightbulb? What lightbulb?
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--

The people who make a difference in your life
are not the ones with the most credentials,
the most money,
or the most awards.
They are the ones who care.


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