[bonyhadi]

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You know the honeymoon is over when you start going out with the
boys on Wednesday nights... and so does your wife.
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Lady Golfer

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m.
on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they
were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near
the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?"

They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it, and they
would see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be
there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a
7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse
congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The
guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be
here at 6:30
or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played
left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week.
By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the
group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How
do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the
covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his 'you-know-what' is
pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I
golf
left-handed." One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She
said,
"That's when I get here at 6:45".
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A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the
register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he
asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the
register.

She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't
know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the
counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One
box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of
us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told
the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if
she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She
asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel,
picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms,
Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen
was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with
a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to
the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him
to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave
him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said....

"Cleanup, register 5."
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LAWYERS
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

It was so cold last winter.
How cold was it?
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
Skeet

The Lawyer's Creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff?
A Cadillac seats six

Sadam Housain and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand, who do you kick in
the teeth first??
Housain, Business before pleasure

Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

What's the difference between a female attorney and a pit bull?
Lipstick

What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A Doberman

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A tick drops off you when you die.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when
plumbers
are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong sewer.

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
1) The vulture eventually lets go.
2) Vultures don't get Frequent Flyer Miles
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WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.
I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take
one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this
ability, we try to burn it into our
memory by staring as much as we can.
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CRAZY
A man on his way to work passed a house of crazy people, where there was a
high
wall so they would not get out. Every day as he walked by, he heard the crazy
people shout a number that they repeated over and over.

As the days went by, the man started to get curious. He kept hearing the
crazy people shout, "33, 33, 33."

So he decided to look through a little peephole in the wall, and one of the
crazy peopled poked his eyes with a stick and started to shout: "34, 34,
34..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a penis and a prick?

A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying...
A prick is the guy who owns it.
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PARADOX

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but
shorter
tempers,
Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints;
We spend more, but have less; We buy more, but enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses, but smaller families;
More conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less sense;
More knowledge, but less judgement;
More experts, but more problems;
More medicine, but less wellness.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values;
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life;
We've added years to life, but not life to years.
We've been to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet
the new neighbour.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
We've split the atom, but hold onto our prejudice.
We have higher incomes, but lower morals;
We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are the times of tall men and short character;
Steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;
More leisure, but less fun;
More kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce;
Of fancier houses, but broken homes.
It is the time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the
stockroom........
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VODKA
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in
the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned
and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you
want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally
the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss
vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out
of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks
like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste
and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes
running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard
and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant
but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The
two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two
glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The
result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun
comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife,
"Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife
gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks
him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from
the bottle."
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