Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step
in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he
has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He
grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks. The first nun
suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar
of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood... sure
enough he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three
times but nothing happens.
So she gives one last, despairing tug then yells
...... "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Test
Three guys were applying for the
priesthood. The Cardinal was going
to give them a test. He tied a
bell attached to a string on each
of their penises. He told them that
he was going to show them pictures
of naked girls and if the bells rang
then they would flunk the priesthood test.
He showed the first guy the pictures
and nothing happened. "you passed",
the Cardinal said. He showed the naked
girls to the second guy. Nothing happened.
"you passed." He showed the pictures
to the third guy. Nothing happened.
The Cardinal said "all of you passed."
The Cardinal turned to put away the
pictures but dropped them. He bent over
to pick them up and all three bells went
"ding, ding,ding."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north
of the Missouri State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was
speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and
he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to
be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that
he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could
juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three
flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then
went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy
observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door
and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied,
"Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass
that test."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Why are American masturbators so patriotic?
When they yank their doodle, they feel dandy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CALCIUM Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people
age. The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and
cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the
bones. But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in
a kiss!" The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
YOU MIGHT BE FROM COLORADO IF:
You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.
You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a Mcdonald's in Vail.
You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that wears a bandanna.
Your real fear is running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix.
The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You think that formal wear is ironed denim.
North means "mountains to the left"; south is "mountains to the right"; and
east and west are where all those liberals keep moving in from.
You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and
Birkenstocks.
You have stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Antiques have become very popular. Right now there are 15 million
Americans who have things that are old, funny-looking, don't work, and
are kept only for sentimental purposes. Some of these are called
antiques, and the rest are called husbands.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WANTED
A tall well-built MAN with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please read only lines 1,3, and 5.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to
his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, I've been
telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!
- - -
After God had created man he stepped back and admired his work: "Look at
this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features, the well
balanced proportions, I have to say, I am in awe of myself." Then he
turned and looked at the woman. After he had been studying her for a
while he said: "Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dynamic Deity Management Ltd.Date
3rd May 0023
TO:Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).13a Sandy Wasteland Square,Just Next to the Pizza Hut,Judea.
Dear Sirs,
It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and publisha biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure you would realize,
be entirely unauthorized and if it were published in theform you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest authority.However he can fully
understand your wish to write about his life and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
1) That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you propose,'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Saviour's Saucy Story'.
2) That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (ElvinRoxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you
utilize the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ realizes that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no one ever went bust underestimating the credibility off the
average religious zealot.
3) That all references to the incident involving the members of members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive
oil and a wooden spoon to be excised forthwith.
4) That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An accident with a wine jar and a
stray fish just does not have the theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large cast.
5) That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to 'My dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love squiggles.'
6) That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case, that he was shopped by his Mother
and done for indecent exposure, should on no account be discussed.
7) And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be removed or at least modified.
As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesn't see it as a
success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous books,especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - Slashin' the Winded'. Your suggested
biography of him appears to be in the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to
promote the book. In any case Mr.Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for 'Shake 'n'Vac'.
Yours sincerely,
.Adam G Smith.pp Jesus H Christ.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~