[bonyhadi]

What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
A: A homo-sex-y'all.
Q: What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor?
A: A salt with a dead weapon.
Q: Why don't Irish men ever exercise?
A: They figure if God had wanted them to bend over, He would have put boozeon the floor.
Q: Why don't homosexuals like chess?
A: Because every so often, they have to sacrifice a queen.
Q: Why wouldn't the polish husband make love to his new wife?
A: He promised his mother that he wouldn't sleep with a married woman.
Q: Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
A: It's called "Abzorba the Leak."
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A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
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SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA MERGERS

BUDWEISER AND VIAGRA "It's Whazzzzzzz Up!"

BOUNTY AND VIAGRA "The quicker pecker upper!"

CHEVY AND VIAGRA "Like a rock!"

FEDEX AND VIAGRA "When it absolutely, positively has to be there
TONIGHT.

THE ARMY AND VIAGRA "Be all that you can be."

BELL AND VIAGRA "Reach out and touch someone . . . for at least an hour."

SECRET AND VIAGRA "Strong enough for a man, but MADE for a woman!"

GENERAL ELECTRIC AND VIAGRA "We bring good things to life!"
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CATHOLIC GLOSSERY

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most ofthe people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyrosand baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holidaytravel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formationat the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial processionat the conclusion of Mass – led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit,kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.