[bonyhadi]

The newest card game in San Francisco these days is something
called pansy poker. Queens are wild and straights don't count.
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I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.....
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you
think it's worth the extra effort?
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They finally released the ingredients in Viagra!
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
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It was down under the cherry tree,
the first time my girlfriend showed it to me
It was hairy and black and it had a crack
and it looked like a jungle to me
so I pulled out my hairy banana,
and I shoved it in the crack
then I heard a scream,
and I saw some cream so I pulled my banana back!
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Very distinguished looking, elegantly-dressed individual hails a
taxicab. Cabbie says, "So where do you want to go to?"
The fare replies, "My good man, I am a professor of the English language, and
you have just committed an egregious faux pas. It is grammatically
incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition. As you may or may not
know, the word "to" is a preposition. I implore you to correct this
embarrassing error - please try to reconstitute the sentence in such a
way that it does not end with the word "to," I beg of you."

Cabbie looks at the man for a moment, and then says "All right."

"So where do you want to go to - asshole!!"
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It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one
minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
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In order for the Italians not to be left out in naming their ships,
they finally accomplished the following.
USA is USS which means "United States Ship".
British is HMS which means "Her Majesty's Ship".
and now Italy is AMB which means "Atsa My Boat!"
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How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
The kid stutters.
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A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.
After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard
working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office,
"But why?"he asked.

"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise."

"No," she said.

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this
before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his,
and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only
do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
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BEST WOMEN'S T-SHIRTS

1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

2. I hate everybody, and you're next!

3. And your point is....

4. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later

.5. **Warning** I have an attitude and I know how to use it!

6. You KNOW you want me.

7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.

8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

9. I'm multitalented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

10. Do NOT start with me! You will NOT win!

11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!

12. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

13. I'm not a *****, I'm THE *****; and it's MS. ***** to you!

14. All stressed out and no one to choke.

15. How can I miss you if you won't go away?16. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
The Great Dentist
====================

I was on my back as the drill ground away.

The dentist had been drilling, chipping, picking, sticking,
prying, probing, hammering, and anything else that I could think
of as she worked on my tooth.

I was having a root canal redone. It felt fine but the dentist
said (and showed me on the x-ray) that it might be better if I
had it redone.

I was in the chair for over two hours.

Anyone that walked in would have seen me lying there as the
assortment of drills and picks lay neatly on a cloth.

They would have pitied me.
I don't think anyone likes going to the dentist.

I was in agony. I was uncomfortable. I was impatient and
needed to get out of that chair pronto.

I could only take it another few minutes.

Anyone looking at me would have sympathized with my feelings and
completely understood when I asked if I could get up out of that
chair.

The only problem is they would have been completely wrong.

Yes, I was in extreme discomfort.
Yes, I needed to get up out of that chair.
Yes, I did ask the dentist to stop.
Yes, I did get up.

Anyone would have sympathized, but everyone would have
misunderstood.

The local anesthetic worked fine. The entire right side of my
face was as numb as a fingernail. I couldn't feel any pain.
Although the machinations of the dentist, the sounds and the
vibrations weren't the most pleasant in the world, they didn't
bother me at all.

I even had a bite block in my mouth so my jaw didn't get tired
from holding my mouth open. I was quite comfortable from the
dentistry.

Then why was I in such agony?

I had to use the bathroom!

I had gulped a quart of fresh fruit juice a couple of hours
earlier and the fruit juice was now processed. I had to go to
the bathroom. When you've got to go, you've got to go.

There I was with a dentist on one side and a technician on the
other side. Both were working diligently and expertly, one
mining my tooth while the other vacuumed and rinsed.

I lay perfectly still on the outside but all I could think of
was getting to the bathroom and the need was getting stronger.

It was another MountainWings Moment.

How can having to use the bathroom in the dentist's chair be a
MountainWings Moment? I realized some things lying there.

First, what is really bothering you is often not apparent from
the outside. What others see is not the real problem. It looks
like it should be the real problem, but it's not.

Others may see you snap at a co-worker or the kids or your
spouse and think, "Boy, they sure have irritated them."

That's not really what's bothering you at all. It wasn't your
co-worker, kids, or spouse, it was something else that they
can't see but you feel it on the inside.

The list of those things is too long to begin to mention but you
know some of yours. I may snap at my wife because I can't find
something that I'm looking for but it's really not the lost
thing, I was frustrated from something else.

You know the phenomenon all too well.

Second, you can't voice it clearly.

With a face as numb as fingernails, a bite block, picks, drills,
and wash and vacuum tubes in your mouth, you can't talk clearly.

I opened my eyes and mumbled,

"Aahh guuaa uuuoo uss uhe aaarmmm."

"What?" the dentist asked.

"Aahh guuaa uuuoo uss uhe aaarmmm."

They removed the toolbox from my mouth so that I could speak
clearly but my face and right jaw was still numb.

"Aahh guuaa uuuoo uss uhe aaarmmm," I tried to articulate
clearly.

"What?" she asked again.

"Aahh guuaa uuuoo uss uhe aaarmmm," I repeated slower but with a
greater sense of urgency.

"Oh! You've got to use the bathroom - sure"

I was popped up and hastily asked, "wwwhaa iiss uhe aaarmmm?"

"What?"

"wwwhaa iiss uhe aaarmmm?"

"What?"

"WWWHAA! iiss uhe aaarmmm?"

"Oh, It's down the hall to the right."

Often, when you are in pain or dire need, people can't
understand you. They can't relate. They don't know why you
can't just grin and bear it. They don't understand your
predicament and how you feel.

You are desperate and the world doesn't understand.

There are some situations that you can't articulate to others
for a variety of reasons. Maybe it's too personal. Maybe you
are embarrassed. Maybe even you don't know how to put it in
words or maybe what happened was so rough that you had to numb
yourself to the memory to eliminate the pain.

Often the thing that's really bothering us is not the thing
people see. It's an inner thing.

An inner thing that we often can't speak.

A thing of the heart and soul.

For those kinds of things maybe you need to get in a quiet place
where you can talk to someone that does understand.

Often things of the inner spirit require a greater divine spirit
to heal. There are some problems that can only be fixed by the
manufacturer.

As I left the dentist she gave me a powerful painkiller
prescription. "As soon as the anesthetic wears off, you will
probably be in a lot of pain and you will need this," she said
handing me the prescription.

I spoke to The Great Dentist about it.
I never took the prescription.
I never had even the slightest trace of pain.

Get quiet and speak your unspeakable things.
Speak to someone that understands and won't judge nor condemn.

Someone that can take away the pain.

The pain that you can't even talk about.