[bonyhadi]

Lloyds bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing
new "drive-thru" cash point machines where customers will be able to
withdraw cash without leaving their Vehicles. To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted
intensive behavioral studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use.

Please read the procedures that apply to you (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* 6 Put window up
* 7 Drive off


FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
* 3 Set parking Break, Put the window down
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
* 9 Insert card
* 10 Reinsert card the right way up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
* 19 Recheck make-up again
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine
* 22 Retrieve card
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind you
* 24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
* 25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
* 26 Release Parking Break.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything
to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determine to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was a Texan and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one
else applied, she decided to hire the Texan, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one
day,the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two
o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly said to him. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off
my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again
with trembling hands he did as he was told. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said,
"Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BICYCLE RIDE
Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too
much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of
the riverbank and dove in.

A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.

Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the
roadside and hitch a ride home.

Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."

She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes
Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely
naked?"

"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IT'S THAT TIME...
You know it is time to diet when you wear yellow pants,bend over to tie your shoe, and three men try to get in for a ride to the airport.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
"Kitchen Complaint"
I made myself a warning sign; it's on my kitchen wall. It wards off all those little thieves when they feel prone to call. They snatch things from the cupboard shelves,
the pantry's always bare. It's impossible to cook a meal when food is everywhere. The Quaker Oats have disappeared and though the word is mum, my guess is
someone wanted the container for a drum. The sugar bowl cannot be found and underneath a bed, I'm bound to find the chocolate chips and half a loaf of
bread.The baking soda's for a bath, a lemon's for the hair,The cheese is in the mousetrap and no one seems to care. Marshmallows stuck with toothpaste are for a
childish craft,everyone takes what they need while mother gets the shaft.So the warning sign now clearly states: "Beware...Mom is the winner! The culprit is the
loser...and the loser fixes dinner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Two years ago I was working at a local video store when a guy in a Philadelphia Eagles jacket and a ski mask came in. He walked up to my register, pulled out a
six-inch knife, and demanded the money. Thinking fast, I told him the register would open only if we had a membership card to scan -- a total lie. Even so, the idiot
reached for his wallet and took out his card. I scanned it, handed him the money and watched smugly as he took off. After calling the cops and assuring the
customers that I was fine, a guy walked in wearing the same Eagles jacket. Then he asked if he could use my phone because his car wouldn't start. After hearing
his voice, the customer standing next to himknocked him out cold. The cops came and rushed the guy to the hospital, and we soon learned that we had the right
man.We also learned that when the customer knocked him out,the robber collapsed onto the knife in his pocket, puncturing his left nut. If that's not justice, I don't
know what is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONDOM SIZES

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need? As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one...Wait! Make it
MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... ****! Give me a TISSUE !!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

MC: Here she is, Miss Palestine, the new Miss World!
What's your wish, Miss World?

MISS WORLD. Peace and good will towards all people.

MC: What is your plans for the future ?

MISS WORLD: To be a suicide bomber for my people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WORSE JOBS
There is a hot dog, a cucumber, and a dick. The hot dog said, "My life is very bad. People put catsup, mustard, and relish and then they eat me." Then the
cucumber said "My life is worse, People chop me up put me in dill brine and pickle me." Then the dick said, "My life is the worst ever! They shove me into a plastic
tube, put me in a tunnel and make me do jumping-jacks until I puke."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
PLATONIC?
A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment. "Mrs. Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen-year-old boy spends three hours
every night in your apartment?"
Mrs. Smith replied, "It's a platonic friendship. It's play for him and a tonic for me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~