THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES
1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably
never be able to support you.
3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand
closer
to the kitchen sink.
4. How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told
me..."
5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
6. Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
the required pressure.
7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in
first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
9. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.
10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't
like to
interrupt
her.
11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
intelligence?
Divorced.
12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex
drive
by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring,
Wedding Ring,
Suffering.
14. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me
"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
15. In the beginning, God created the earth and
rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God
created Woman. Since
then, neither God nor Man has rested.
16. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
17. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten
anything for 4
days."
She
looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your
willpower."
18. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
19. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
"Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all
said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
20. The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
21. Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still
think they are beautiful.
Life or Death
A police officer pulls a man
over for speeding. As the officer
approaches the car he can see
that the man is very anxious
about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you
know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was
speeding--but it is a matter of
life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting
for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a
matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before
my wife does, I'm a dead man."
