[bonyhadi]

A couple who were having trouble having a baby went to see a doctor. The
doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands,
which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a
baby.

When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is
it a boy or a girl?"

"We won't know until it comes down off the light fixtures."







Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got
along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that,
deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for him to learn a
trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the
local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the
citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before
Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much
of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen
cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he
called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But,
alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you,
but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.







Dinner Prayer

Little Johnny and his family were having
a family dinner at his Uncle Rodney's
house. Everyone was seated around the
table as the food was being served. When
Little Johnny received his plate he started
eating right away. "Johnny, wait until
we say our prayer."

"I don't have to." The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted.
"We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained.
"But this is Uncle Rodney's house, and he
knows how to cook!"









For Us Old Folks"

OK, I'm already getting stuff from the AARP. But here's the problem:

I am the life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 P.M. I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually
interested in going home before I get to
where I am going. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing
you're saying. I'm very good at
telling stories; over and over and over and over... I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine. I'm so
cared for -- long term care, eye care,
private care, dental care.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw,
Peter Jennnings, Dan Rather, barking
dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't remember.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm having
trouble remembering simple words like....... I'm
realizing that aging is not for wimps. I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become
policemen? I'm wondering, if
you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the key to the
storeroom door.





n promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or
psychological observations, beware of
platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility,
a coalescent cogency, and a
concatenated consistency.

Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without
rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.

Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."