Remember those hits of yesteryear,,,,
Well folks, we are bringing out the same tunes that caused your hormones to surge in the
60's and 70's,,,,
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Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-
released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their
aging audience.
Some examples:
Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye-- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs--"Bald Thing"
Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations--"Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA--"Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends
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The Cannibal Auditors
A very large private hospital hired a team of cannibal auditors to go over all of its
operations and procedures.
On the first day, the CEO called the team into a conference room for a little chat.
"In spite of your unusual culinary tastes, we have decided to use you based on your
outstanding record in these matters. However, we would like to see you confine your meals
to our cafeteria, which, I might add, serves excellent food."
The first week of the audit ran smoothly. However, on Monday of the second week, a nurse
was reported missing.
The CEO called a meeting with the cannibals and ask them if they knew anything about the
missing nurse. The cannibals all shook their heads.
After the CEO left the room, the leader of the cannibals demanded to know who ate the
nurse. One of the cannibals sheepishly raised his hand.
"You fool!" screamed the leader. "All week long we feasted on doctors, administrators and
members of the board, and no one noticed! Then you had to eat a nurse and ruin
everything!"
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Walking home with a hangover one Sunday morning, a man discovered he'd lost his hat. He
decided the easiest way to replace it was to go to church and steal one from the cloakroom.
Once inside,he heard a sermon on the Ten Commandments.
After the sermon, he said to the minister, "I want you to know that you saved me from
crime. I came here to steal a hat, but after hearing you, I decided not to."
"Wonderful," said the minister. "What did I say that changed your mind?"
"Well," said the man,"when you got to the part about committing adultery, I remembered
where I left my hat."
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DISCRETE AND PROUD OF IT
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows in your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12. You need to bring your tray table to the uprightand locked position.
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of"Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the
next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family
together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be
with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't
mention this aspect of his behavior.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful. It is
nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly,
men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is
extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him,
buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be
encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far
from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to
you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to
his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own
time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this,
and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
delicious meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much
as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area,
and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a
danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying
a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
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HEALTH ALERT
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
