[bonyhadi]

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
Gents, wise words from our brethren who have gone before us. Please take
notes!

Man's five most feared questions:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly
(i.e. tells the
truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below
along with possible responses.

Question 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a
bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,
which most likely is one of the following:

a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy,
who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you."

Question 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer
is necessary: "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?

Question 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and
a boat".)

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.

WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Sh*t.














The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls
your name . . . and they say golf is a quiet game." --
Anonymous

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How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?

The kid stutters.

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"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein